Punshing Dead Beat Dads Curbs Pregnancy
By Justin Gardner | Related entries in Good Decisions, Social ProgramsApparently if you hold people accountable, they’ll stop being idiots.
From the AP:
SEATTLE (AP) – Tough child support laws may dissuade men from becoming unwed fathers, as states with the most stringent laws and strict enforcement have up to 20 percent fewer out-of-wedlock births, a new study shows.
Researchers at the University of Washington and Columbia University said Friday that child support laws’ power to reduce single parenthood is an unintended consequence of a policy designed to help children and cut public welfare costs.
Full disclosure, I’m the son of a deadbeat dad so this one hits particularly close to home. Hoo-ray!
This entry was posted on Thursday, June 23rd, 2005 and is filed under Good Decisions, Social Programs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
July 31st, 2005 at 12:36 pm
Dems should push stronger laws, including opening up Court ordered child support payments to enforcement by … the IRS.
July 20th, 2006 at 2:34 am
Pregnancy is like a boon for a married women. Pregnancy means a lot of joy for the women who is pregnant as she is about to deliver her offsprings. The excitement is quite different. The women began to take more care of them as their baby’s health who is inside the womd depends upon them. one can find helpful tips regarding pregnancy here.
November 26th, 2006 at 9:17 pm
I’m all for going after dead beat dads,. However pregnancy weather through mutual planned conception or unplanned isn’t going to change it from happening. When a man cares so little for a child he should be punish through the courts and even maybe let him experience the pain of birth and
pregnancy symptoms over a course of nine months. See if he then has a connection?
January 9th, 2007 at 5:26 pm
Hi all of your readers.
I agree with your sentiments, although my kids have a great Dad, I would have want away Dads beaten up.
Your blog is excellent by the way, but I thought I’d share with you all the story of my biggest baby. It was our son Sam, and he’s now 9 but we will not forget the experience of his birth!
My husband Steve, and I already had 2 girls. Emily was 3 weeks premature and weighed in at 7 pounds 13 ounces. I guess the writing was on the wall then. Ellie came next and was actually a week late, weighing in at 9 pounds 6 ounces. (Steve was 11 pounds at birth by the way, and his mother never forgave him!) That may not sound a big deal to some but it was some feat of engineering to get her here.
Anyway, both births were normal deliveries and the girls were both fine. But we did panic about our third.
Sam came along, like most lazy boys, in his own good time. We begged the consultant (we are from the UK by the way) to induce me early but because there were no complications he wouldn’t have it. So we waited until a week after date and were called in.
I don’t want to panic mothers to be, and say right now that everything ended up fine in the end, but Sam was a 10 pounds 12 ounce baby, and had to be delivered Van Teuse (is that the right spelling?). For me, it was hard but I was full of drugs… legal ones by the way. But Steve suffered because he was the one having the conversations with the doctor and midwife. Not until about 2 weeks after we got home did he tell me how close we came to an emergency section. And then I realised why he was in bits at the time. Sam is now 9 as I said, and seems like a typical boy.
Holly followed later but this time we got the consultant to grant our wish and she was induced at term. Only 8 pounds 2ounces…phew!
What I would say to the mums and dads to be, while things can go wrong you are in the best hands and always go with what you are told. These great people have delivered more babies than we have had bowls of weetabix, so trust them and enjoy your experience.
There’s no more kids for us after Steve’s delicate operation! But we had the 4, we still have them, and fingers crossed they and their children will bring us joy for years and years to come.
Thanks
January 20th, 2007 at 10:56 pm
I suspect a lot of women trick men into having kids, so the woman can sponge of the man forever.
February 28th, 2007 at 11:39 pm
Paul, what a stupid comment do you really think child support does anything more than helps towards the child? my ex pays 448 for 2 children and now that I went forward to up support he quit his job and has paid only 224. And at one time my support was set at 75 dollars a month for three children. I’m not saying all fathers are like this but as a mother I don’t get to look at my children and say sorry no clothes, or no lunch or just your life is put on hold. or no going to the doctor this month. So if you think women look at men as in WOW if I have a child with you I’m living the good life you must be pretty sick in the head…because Do you really think 448 is taking from him forever? 1- they have received one birthday card and gift from him. Sad to which I to this day have held on to those cards knowing those will most likely be the only card they will receive from him.
March 15th, 2007 at 5:15 pm
I am in a siuation with a dead beat dad. He has never wanted to pay child support and even went to jail for not paying. Now bc he is upset that “I” have ruined his life for having our daughter he is trying to seek visitation so he won’t have to pay as much support. The judge in our case advised him to file. The DBD lied time and time again stating that he has tried to see my daughter and I didn’t respond. I recieved 3 phone calls and 1 selfish letter. Never once saying he wanted to see her. Only that he wantedd me to drop the support case.
The problems with the laws (I live in CA) are too many to write. Sure, he went to jail after 4 1/2 years of not paying and being warned for 1 1/2 years and they didn’t make him do the whole sentense, 10 of 55 days. Now he is trying to see a daughter who has know idea he walks around the earth.
If the courts and laws protect the best interest of the child, they wouldn’t wait so long to take action . They would prossacute them as strongly as rapist or murders. I say that bc the children are the ones who suffer for what the DBD does. One trip to jail comparied to a life filled with sadness, anger and unanswered questions on why the DBD didn’t want to take care of them. The children live a life sentese of that…Why shouldn’t the DBD? To know a child in this situation is to be one.
The laws are set to control the masses, not help the children of DBD.
And Paul needs to stop writing his thoughts down and probably stop being a Dead Beat Dad himself. Stop wasting time deffending your selfishness and become a person worth being! Only a DBD could make such a comment.
January 20th, 2009 at 5:27 pm
I am also all for going after dead beat dads too. I have a few friends that their ex’s dont pay there support. It saddens me to think that someone would be so selfish.
The main reason that I am on here is to defend what Sheri Divelbiss above has written on this site. Its amazing after over 13 years that she is still telling stories that are shortened to make my husband look like a dead beat dad.
1. The statement that her ex is paying 448 for two kids well here is the whole story:
When we got married in 1995 he was paying her 900 a month for 3 kids. I do have to say it was over what he was required to pay by the state of Washington standards.
It was in the year of 2000 that my husband almost lost his eye and ended up loosing his job. We had an attorney that was helping us with the settlement for his eye and his wife was a child suppport attorney. So because my husband was jobless and the attorney that we had was doing his work based off of getting paid from us after the settlement for my husbands eye. Our attorney had his wife represent my husband in the child support issue knowing she would get paid when my husband go his settlement. So that was a blessing for us because we had no money to retain any attorney.
So the attorney got us a tempory support modification because of my husband not being able to work do to his injury. That is when his support was at the 75 a month. Then when he returned to work approximately 3 months later his support went to 675. That support was based in his wages not based on him being the nice guy and paying her extra over and above what the courts expected like he had been doing for years.
Then in 2006 my oldest (my husband and Sheri’s son) decided not live with his mom (Sheri) and quit school that is when the support went down to 448.
Sheri went back to the state and requested modification of support after we were no longer paying on the oldest of the three boys. That is when the support went from 448 to 900 for the two boys.
I guess what is really disappointing to me is that Sheri would go on to a dead beat dad website and portray my husband as one.
When she in fact knows he has always paid his support.
I just am very upset with the way she has chosen to tell the story. If I was a complete stranger and read what she wrote I would be thinking “Well that guy is a complete jerk just pays her what he feels like”
Instead of it being that my husband has always paid what the courts have told him to pay.
Yes we had a rough patch in our life that caused the support to go down. Does he need to be kicked in the head over that. It was an accident. Thank god it didnt kill him.
Any women would have appreciated to have an ex like Sheri has. I just think she wants to have something to complain about.
I almost forgot to talk about the reference to quitting a job to avoid suppport being raised and him only paying her 224 instead of 448 that month.
When she decided to up the support it just so happened to be right when my husband was changing jobs. Bad timing only because we new she would not get her money at the same time she was use to because his pay dates changed with his new job. We also new she would accuse him of quitting his job to avoid support. Honestly Sheri is very predictable and has always bad mouth my husband. Well I guess we were right based on what she wrote above…….
I am sure everyone is aware as to when you change jobs it affects when you get paid. Some employers pay weekly, some bi-weekly and even some get paid once a month So when he changed jobs his new employers pay days were different from his previous employer and because of that Sheri received her support at a different time than she was use to receiving child support .
I am a very lucky women to have found such a kind and loving person that I have (Sheri’s EX)
February 4th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
What is the excuse this time for not paying support? I have never known a man to have as many jobs as my ex!! I’m very blessed to have met a wonderful man years ago! :) who luckily would never let the boys or myself go without….My husband pays for mine and the ex’s sons college!! as to the fact that our son graduated from high school and no longer receives any support from the ex! And lets talk about the poor ex with the eye injury….Let’s feel sorry for him and be sooo understanding!:( What about our son having a biopsy done on his heart….No phone call or anything from dad!! not nothing…and then to find out our son has Sarcoidosis…Something that my husband refused to even leave that hospital for a moment over…even stayed the night with our son!! now, I’m sorry if people don’t like how I talk about my ex! But he never has been there to see or have to fear you may lose your own son!!! Something that my husband and I worry about every time he gets sick!!! This is something we face every year…are test going to show he’s out of remission?! and then there was the scare it may be effecting his brain….to have to wait for results….over the years nothing has been sent or given to his kids other than what is forced by the courts!! and I know about hard times…While my husband was out on strike for many months…he still had to support the boys…even down to paying college fee’s. He never walked away from providing for the boys!! And lets talk more about this so called wonderful EX….His own son doesn’t even know what his father looks like! and the ex had the nerve to walk into McDonalds and stare down his own son and not even say a word to him!! but, lets not forget there was an excuse to that….Heidi informing the son’s g/f he felt awkward to say anything!:( no wonder the COWARD never said a word!!! I will never respect a man that can be the type of father or should we say absent father as the ex!!!
I’m not going to reply on here no longer…..as to my ex and his wife is a waste of my time!!!! My children are and always will be my main concern
February 4th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
I say “NO MORE” to dead beat dads.
February 11th, 2009 at 4:45 pm
Children are the ones who pay the price for not having the love n support they deserve
February 23rd, 2009 at 1:46 pm
I wanted to mention…I do understand pay periods changing. It has been 8 weeks with the ex only paying 143.53 on Jan, 2nd and now waiting for support enforcement to always have to find out where he is working to collect support.
February 26th, 2009 at 3:22 pm
I have friends that have the same problem with the state. They are inefficent and never get the support collected in a timely manner. We have actually went down and paid them directly when my husband has changed jobs. Just so that we are don’t get behind. Most of the time we just tell his employer and it gets handled. When you are in a union you go where the work is, so that means you may have to go to work for a different employer. It happens a lot in the union my husband is in. Every union is different. Most importantly is that he has a job and can pay his support rather then no job and can’t pay at all. This last job change my husband informed his employer about his support and as soon as we got a check that did not have support taken out he contacted his employer and also the state. The state finally called him back and said that it has been handled and that they would take extra every check until he got caught up. So we do what the state tells us.
What is to bad is that we use to pay Sheri directly and she got all of the support on the 15th of the month. That ended up not being good enough for her and she went to the state and had them collect. I guess this is the kind of crap that happens when you get the ineffiecent state involved.
I am only on here to defend my husband. My husband pays his support because it is his responsibilty as a father to support his children. This site is about dead beat dads and he is not one of them. I will not stoop to name calling like Sheri has. Like I have said before no big surpise though…. the name calling and twising of stories has happend for years. Sheri knows exactly why things are the way they are.
February 26th, 2009 at 5:03 pm
Always blame someone else…Something that I teach my boys not to do in life! You sign up for support enforcement so they can garnish and hopefully receive support…People know when you quit a job and start a new job…you call support enforcement and give them the name of your employer….instead of the state having to send garnishments to many companies trying to find the person. And if you notice it don’t come out of your check you would send in payment to the state…as of this week I talked with support enforcement and asked if the name of the company I gave them came back as he was working there…they had not heard back yet! Is this not the same man who when I went in for modification never responded back to the courts or my attorney…we even had to prove he was not in the military and that’s why he wasn’t responding…and waited until the day he was to appear in court for contempt to sign the paper work. The sad part is…support doesn’t even compare to walking away from a child’s life. And lets talk about the first time the ex contacted his two boys for the first time through myspace….the same week child support went up! As for the letter it blamed me as to why he was never there….mainly the letter was all bad about me! I cant imangine after all the years of not speaking to a child and thats what you want to say!:( I would have had so many questions about what their life has been like…I can honestly say if this situation was reversed…my current husband would have never let me come between him and kids. Maybe Heidi should not always be in the middle of the ex and his kids
February 26th, 2009 at 6:46 pm
I thought you were not going to talk on here anymore? Remember Ryan and I are a waste of your time……Fact are facts and that is what this is not excuses just facts. The state was not a wise choice. You received support on time all the time and chose to get the state involved out of spite. You know it!! It had nothing to do with you attempting to get Ryan to pay cause he was already paying and we can prove it. Lets stick to what this site is for and that is dads who don’t pay support. As you and I know Ryan pays.
Like I said earlier he did inform both his employer and the state. He even talked to the state and they are the ones who decided that they would take out extra. The state is in charge now. We just do what they tell us. Thats not an excuse its a fact. You chose the state to collect not us. There would not be this problem if you would not have made the choice to go through the state. Money is coming out of his checks. It is really no big surprise you have not received it yet. The state is slow. Again another fact.
February 26th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
Wow. I’m glad he has you to be HIS voice! did you not just say above money has not been taken out..Fact is…. anytime you call support enforcement and talk with an agent.. it is documented! And if this was true…eventually all the money would be caught up…and not by taking extra out..I went months when I was going for the modification with no support…It always takes for us to get information to give to the state…that way I can inform the state as to where he may be working. The state was by far my best choice! Like I would take your word over theirs…And by the way…What do you call a father who can walk out of their children lives?? or a step mother for that matter?? As you recall last January of 2008…is the first time in years we even had your address…maybe you should read your paper work!! I have always given addresses and numbers to you! As for me thinking you are a waste of my time “YES” do I hope someday the two boys can forgive their dad and you “YES” because it will make them better men to do so..
February 27th, 2009 at 10:01 pm
Once again resorting to immature behavior by making snide remarks! I must not forget that is you and has always been you. I am use to it after all these years.
Here is what I said about the support not coming out of his check:
” This last job change my husband informed his employer about his support and as soon as we got a check that did not have support taken out he contacted his employer and also the state. The state finally called him back and said that it has been handled and that they would take extra every check until he got caught up.”
So to explain what I was meaning:
because his employer did not take the support out then, yes he still owes support, the state decided that they will take out extra for the money that was not taken from his check. Again, this is a prime reason why if we had been paying you direct then this would not have happend. But that was your choice.
As for during modification I have no idea why you were not receiving money from the state because it was coming out of his checks. I would take that beef up with the state if you are telling the truth.
We can prove all of this. All I know is he has always paid his support. We both know that. We both know that he doesnt hide from the state when it comes to paying his support either. If he really wanted to hide from the state he certainly wouldnt be working for a company that reports to DSHS their new employees.
February 27th, 2009 at 11:00 pm
I think it’s safe to say “we both can agree to disagree” Everything that has to do with our divorce and the order of contempt is public info under Washington State Superior Court!
February 27th, 2009 at 11:28 pm
I am wondering if Heidi is going to address the comments by Sheri regarding the Ex’s relationship with his own children. Part of being a parent, aside from paying their mother to take care of them, is doing just that, being a parent. Much of Heidi’s responses have only been regarding the specific issue of support collection, albeit that’s what this site is for, yes, but what about the things Sheri brings up regarding his children. Does he have any intention of actually being a father? Or is it just a paycheck that makes him a parent? Or are all of Sheri’s statements regarding his behavior in the relationship (lack there of actually) completely false? I take it that because they are not redressed by Heidi, that they are more likely true, than not. And in that case I can see why Sheri would be so upset and thus pushing the only issue she can legally, and that is enforcing support. She cannot enforce him legally to actually parent and be the children’s father.
March 2nd, 2009 at 2:16 pm
The reason I did not respond to any of Sheri’s other comments was because that is not what this site is for. All it would turn into is a he said she said conversation. Which I really think is not appropriate for this site. Also we have done this before and it doesn’t get any where. Since I don’t know you I will give you a brief explanation.
We do have one of the three boys talking to us. It conveniently happened after he was not under the influence of his mother. I am not going to get into that story because I feel he deserves his privacy. All I can say is that we love having him in our lives and are grateful it happened.
My husband does have regrets from his past when it comes to his kids. Doesn’t every parent have regrets in regards to their children??? What we did was make a decision based on what we thought was the best at the time. We were thinking of the kids whether anyone wants to believe that or not. We made the decision not because we didn’t love them and didn’t want them around. We made the desision we did with love. I could go on here and vent Sheri’s dirty laundry and twist stories about her to the public like she has done to us. I won’t do that. I do know if I was to tell stories at least mine would be completely the truth.
After years of watching the kids being pulled and pushed and very upset all the time. Which I might say is making what happened sound light in comparison to how bad it really was. We felt it was in their best interest to step back. I could tell story after story but that is not the point of all of this. As you can tell after all these years the accusations and arguments are still happening…. You could say “fight for your kidsâ€. I can tell you we did for years. We actually thought it would be best for their mental well being to step back. We were hoping we would create peace in there life by doing that. Was it a good decision? Maybe, maybe not, but it was what we thought was a good decision at the time. We have talked about our decision many times and still don’t know that if we had made a different decision if things would be any different. Sheri calls it “walking away” and makes it sound like we did it because we don’t love the kids and want nothing to do with them. Well that is not the case. We felt the kids were going through pure hell to be in our lives. She even says that her current husband would not let her come between him and the kids. She has a real bad habit of making that statement. Which leads me to believe that she DOES know she has always tried to come between the kids and my husband. She just wants it to be about my husband proving his love for his kids by constantly fighting with her. Well, we were not going to put the kids through that anymore. Is it really ok for a mom to be causing problems all the time?? Shame on any mother who would do such thing.
We are well aware and agree with you that money is not what makes you a parent. Nor was I even saying that. I was just responding to the accusations that my husband does not pay his support. YES HE DOES!!! All I can tell you is my husband my have decided to let his kids have a life without him in it but he still felt he was obligated to take care of his children financially as a father should. Like I said earlier I could tell so many stories….but really is that what this site is for? My husband has no problem talking to his kids and explaining his decision. He just does not feel he owes Sheri any explanation. Therefore, we are not going to defend her accusations with her.
What I do find interesting though is there are parents who are not divorced that make decisions in regards to there kids and then regret it later and they are told, “Well you did what you thought was best at the timeâ€. What is even more interesting is when you are a divorced parent and you make a decision like that you get labeled an uncaring parent or a dead beat.
Sheri can say all she wants but maybe its time for her to admit that she played a big part in why things are the way they are. Instead of acting like she has done no wrong. Maybe she needs to admit that she has made the kids think they are being disloyal to her or not family oriented if they decide to have a relationship with there dad and I.
The kids will find out one day that we are nothing like we have been portrayed to be. If we are such awful people, why does the oldest still talk to us? Why is he still in our lives after 2 years of getting to know us?? Maybe because he gave us a chance and saw us for whom we really are with his own two eyes. Rather than what he was told to think about us by his mother. All I can say is we are nice people. We love all three of those boys very much. We want nothing more than to have them all talking to us. We will never give up hope of that happening.
As for your comment about her pushing the only issue she can legally, child support. Like I have been saying all along. Child support has never been a punishment. He has paid her all along. If you truly were reading this with an open mind you would have seen that by what I wrote. If my husband really wanted to run from her he would not have a job that reports to the state. If my husband wanted to hide and not pay he could just stay home like Sheri does and have his parental responsibility put upon me like she has done with Todd. What would be the difference between Sheri and my husband if he did that??? Oh ya, that’s right, he would be called a dead beat because he is a man. We don’t live in the fifties anymore. Now days a lot of women who choose to get divorced take care of their children financially and don’t rely on a man that is not the father to do it for them. But hey if her husband wants to take on her motherly responsibilities then that’s great! Why are we not calling her a dead beat for not having a job??? Could it be because she is female? What is wrong with this picture??? Could you imagine if my husband let me pay his support? What would be said about him then??? Know one seems to have a problem when a mother passes her financial responsibilities off on another man or goes on welfare. They are still considered a good mom. That’s what is wrong with today’s society is to many women know that they can treat the ex like crap, use the kids as tools in their own evil game and get away with it.
March 2nd, 2009 at 6:25 pm
WOW! I am so tired of hearing I don’t have a job…Why does it bother some people if a woman is a stay at home mom? My husband grew up with an amazing mom who chose to have a business career…My husband has asked me to not work till our youngest graduates…he always had wished for his mom to be home with him rather than a babysitter…and now that the boys are of teenage years he felt I really needed to be home with them. My husband works 2nd shift and makes 100,000 a year and I don’t see what the problem is when he supports the boys as his own! down to buying cars, paying for schooling and always making sure they have never went without!! If my ex chose to have his wife be the supporter I wouldn’t care at all! I know men who their wives make more money and they do choose to stay at home! AS for Heidi’s comment”But hey if her husband wants to take on her motherly responsibilities then that’s great!” Since when is a paycheck motherly responsibility? I thought loving them, being supportive, being there when they are ill and sitting by there bed side when they are in the hospital..making sure they have what they need!! I have a spotless house and am there for anything my boys need or want I have always been the one to take them to all their appointments. Do you think just because they reach 18 they don’t still like someone to be there for them?? I have heard many times in the past Heidi telling me to just get a job….WHY DOES IT MATTER IF I WORK OR NOT?? As for working and being a parent “YES” you can do both…My husband has missed days of work for appointments with our sons and has missed work when they were in the hospital. He was there when they got their license! And as for Heidi’s comment”It conveniently happened after he was not under the influence of his mother” Yes right after the boy ran away for being grounded for smoking…moving in with a g/f and the mom allowing it and hiding him out till he was 18..a boy dropping out in the 11Th. grade..living in a house he got to do whatever he wanted smoking, drinking, and he admits he was doing drugs. Down to harassing his family and brothers!And then after I leave a message to my ex about our son running away…no phone call back just A step mom writing him over myspace for the first time and meeting with him blaming me to why they weren’t in his life. never writing to the other boys…Just when he was already rebelling she just added fuel to the fire to a boy in need of help!! Who wouldn’t want a parent who lets you do whatever you please to do in life! It took 6 months before he was back in our home and luckily when his uncle offered him a great job! We then paid for him to get his GED and he landed an awesome job where my husband works!! I am happy for our oldest having his dad in his life. Our oldest has said he forgives his dad for the past which is a very good quality to have. My son has turned into an amazing man!! and I wouldn’t have brought it up except for trying to explain the timing of him meeting his father. Another thing I find funny is my ex had no problem coming back into the boys life when he was separated from Heidi…My husband and I had no problem with him coming into our home whenever he wanted to see the boys…even down to his own family making the same comments to all three of my sons and a g/f they saw him a lot when he was separated! My husband has even offered to pay for a mediator so the boys can hear both sides and try to make this work…of course the ex said “NO” I’m not saying they are not bad or nice people! As for this comment from Heidi “Maybe she needs to admit that she has made the kids think they are being disloyal to her or not family oriented if they decide to have a relationship with there dad and I. I have a great relationship with my son who talks with his dad..I have no problem with the boys being in their dads life! if anything it makes them a better person to forgive!! And it is interesting how Heidi always uses the word We decided!!
March 3rd, 2009 at 1:54 am
Sheri will no longer be writing on this site. And I have not taken on Sheri’s parental responsibility. It is not Heidi’s business if my wife works or not. It is a choice we have made. I would think that Ryan would appreciate his children not being raised by strangers or daycare. I feel very fortunate to have a job that allows me too support Sheri and the children. I have taken on three children who I love as if they were my own. I cannot imagine my life without them in it. The children have a loving mom and Ryan and Heidi know that. The times Ryan and I were around each other I never had a problem with him. I do not like Heidi. The going back and forth ends today.
March 3rd, 2009 at 2:46 pm
After reading this banter back and forth, I’m sorry but I am convinced that Heidi is obviously a very loving kind person who doesn’t HAVE to care about her step sons. For the children not being much in her and their dad’s life, she sure seems to want to fight for a relationship now with the boys and put herself out there to be ridiculed and have fingers pointed at for being the reason the boys aren’t in their father’s life. This clearly is not the case from the way it sounds if Heidi had her way. It’s clear she loves her husband, and his kids. They aren’t even her children and it sounds like she really truly cares for them deeply…and the relationship they have with their father. I think these kids are blessed because they have both a loving step mother and step father!! Most kids who are raised in split homes are usually left feeling unloved and like something was missing in their lives or like they were replaced by the ‘new wife’ or ‘new husband’. Joining families is a tough route to take, but sometimes marriages don’t work out, people do stupid things and life must go on. Divorce happens. Divorce happens to A LOT of people! These kids are lucky all the way around. I mean they must be pretty special to have their step parents arguing over them! Obviously, there are hurt feelings between the adults that should not be shared with the children. It is very difficult to keep feelings separate, but it is a must in order not to interfere with the child’s decision to have one or both parents & step parents in their lives. Kids go through stages of blame…but if you let them figure it out on their own (and don’t involve them with your own feelings) they usually will come around.
My profession is in counseling, and I would think the best way to deal with this situation is to get the kids into therapy with their father and resolve the hurt feelings and hear their dad’s side of the story too (I’m assuming they don’t have that since they don’t speak to him). In all my years of counseling I have seen first hand that it’s crucial for children to have relationships with both parents (no matter what they say when their feelings are hurt) and it seems both parents want that in this case. I think both sides need to take a moment to realize these are the things that shape the way children are and the people they become in life. These are life altering issues for kids. The anger between parents will eventually fade away but the children may be affected forever if the situation isn’t handled correctly.
My advice for the adults is to just end the conversations. Don’t use the kids to get messages to each other and just move on with your lives and let the kids do the same. This could get really messy if it continues. My apologies for inviting myself into the conversation. Best of luck to all.
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:08 pm
The reason I went on this site was to defend the lies about my husband. I love him and it hurts me to have someone bad mouth him like you do. We will never see eye to eye on anything Sheri. Ryan and I want to have the boys in our life, someday there will be grandchildren and they need to know who their grandfather is, he is a good man. At some point in time you must have thought so you married him… didn’t you? . No matter what anyone says it is important to have your real mother and real father in your life. There is also a place for Todd and I but we can NEVER replace the boys real parents!! Some of us don’t have that opportunity because of death , as long as we are still breathing there is the opportunity for the boys to have their real dad in their lives. That is what we pray for. Not this war of words.
I don’t have a problem with you not working. My mom was a stay at home mom and I could not have asked for a better mother. I only said things about you getting a job so that you would hopefully come to an understanding that money does not grow on trees. Not everyone is going to make the same amount of money. It has always been about how much Todd makes and what a looser Ryan is for not making what he makes. Sheri you have always used money as a punishment but have never had a job yourself. Until you work you can’t even begin to understand what its like to have that responsibility of making sure you make enough to provide for your family. You have always picked on my husband for his job choices and have always accused him of not giving you support. All I was attempting to do is let you know that people could think of you as a dead beat for not having a job. I don’t think that of you. If I thought you were a dead beat for not working then I might as well call my own mother one. I know my mom is not a dead beat, she is a great mother.
Maybe if Todd wasn’t working the second shift and was around to witness and hear the way you have always spoken to Ryan and the kinds of messages you would leave for him while Todd was working he would understand why I am so upset with you. I don’t dislike you or Todd. I just dislike the way you have always spoken about us and they way you speak to us. I dislike the way you still talk about us to the kids and have portrayed us to them. What I can say is Danny does know and he knows that I didn’t bad mouth you to get him to talk to me. What you will never get is that we don’t bad mouth you.
This has gotten completely out of hand. You certainly know how to blame everyone but yourself. If you can live with that then I really could care less. I am however mortified that you would bring up Danny’s dirt. Its one thing to drag Ryan and I through the mud on a website like this. But its sad that you would do the same to your son. You don’t know what went on with Danny and I. I am certainly not going to tell you or the public. I do know that Danny loves and cares about me and his dad and that we feel the same about him. You just want everyone to think we spend time talking about you because that is all you do when it comes to us. If anyone read this that doesn’t know you would see that I chose not to talk about your dirty laundry like you have attempted to do to us. What I am not going to be a part of is you bad mouthing Danny. That topped the cake with me. You have now proven to the world that you would even go so far as to talk about something so very private that involves one of your kids to make your self look better. As always this is about you attempting to make yourself look perfect. Its not working. I am done with this site. You have went over the line on your last response by throwing Danny’s dirt into the mix and for that I am not speaking to you on here anymore!!
Todd,
Using such harsh words when you don’t even know me is pretty amazing. Lets not forget Todd who started this bantering to begin with, Sheri! I do agree with you that this going back and forth is over!
March 3rd, 2009 at 3:57 pm
Samatha,
Thanks you so much for your kind words. We must have been on here typing at the same time. I am so glad that someone really does see that I love the boys and there father. I have even said your words that the boys are very lucky to have two step parents that love them like Todd and I do! I agree with you 100% that therapy for the boys and their dad would be a great idea! Again your opinion meant a lot to me!!!!
March 3rd, 2009 at 4:31 pm
I would like to see the mediator and all parties involved talking. Both parents have to sit down and come to some type of arrangement to work this out.
March 3rd, 2009 at 5:10 pm
I would like to see this family work this out. I feel saddened for all of them. I lost my only brother to Sarcoid before his thirtieth birthday. Both sides need to come together and make peace with the past. The parents have to get together and work on a plan that will work for the kids. Maybe with the parents finally working together the kids will open up and forgive.
March 3rd, 2009 at 8:04 pm
I am on here to defend all mothers who stay at home! I left the workplace after my second child to be home with my kids. I lasted a year of being home and just couldn’t do it. The never ending laundry, dishes, bathrooms, dusting, appointments, phone calls, bill paying, you name it, I did it. And to top it off no recognition for a job well done. It is expected when you are home all day to be superwoman. I did return to work and absolutely love it! I now feel appreciated and have my husband helping with all the chores again!! I’m curious if Heidi has kids of her own? Because it takes a strong woman to raise kids on her own.
,
March 4th, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Heidi,
I would like to hear your response to why letters were written to your step son’s the week of your husbands support going up? And why your husband did not respond back to the state for his modification? And why did your husband not speak to his son when he saw him?
Todd,
I would like your response to why you do not like Heidi? Would you care if the kid’s decided to have Ryan and Heidi in their life? Do you in any way feel like you have been burdened to take on Sheri’s and Ryan’s kid’s?
March 5th, 2009 at 7:49 pm
My step father Michael is the coolest dad I know.
He married my mother when I was just 1 years old. He took my older brother and I in just as we were his biological children.
In fact he raised us better then our own father did.
Whenever my brother and I needed anything growing up we knew we could count on him.
He was always a hardworking man who spent countless hours working.
I would like to share some Step Father Poems, verses, quotes
Anyone can be a father,
But it takes someone special to be a step dad.
I never got to choose you
You just became my ‘dad’
So I’m grateful to my mother
For the great taste that she had
When I did wrong,
You steered me right.
Through all the years,
The laughs and tears,
You’ve given me your love.
I can’t thank you half as much
As I think I oughta
You’re not just my step dad but my friend
I’m your ever loving ‘daughter’!!
A Step Father means so many things…
An understanding heart,
A source of strength and of support
Right from the very start.
March 7th, 2009 at 7:02 pm
I am on here talking cause I was one of these kids……. I grew up in a divided household. I remember my mom always talking bad about my dad. She did it so much that I could not help but believe her.
Now, I am divorced and have two kids. I have mended the bridge with my father and am happy to have his support through my divorce. He has given me the best advice ever. He has taught me to not let my personal feeling for my ex interfere with my kid’s relationship with their dad. I love my dad dearly for that. Sometimes I still feel sad that I didn’t get to spend my childhood with my dad. Heidi actually reminds me of my step mother and how she always stuck up for my dad. I remember my step mom defending my dad and how angry my mom would get.
I do agree with Samantha. Heidi does not have to even think twice about her step kids if she doesn’t want to. It’s sad to me that these kids don’t have all four adults in there life. I was not fortunate enough to have a nice step father.
Heidi could just say who cares they are not my kids. What Heidi wrote on here pretty much tells me exactly the type of person she is by sticking her neck out to be criticized. I don’t believe things are the way they are because Heidi made it that way. I think she cares just like my step mother did. However, I do question Sheri’s motives. Heidi went on her to defend what Sheri wrote about her husband not paying support. Sheri then took the opportunity to talk about so many things. From what I have read is Sheri will take any opportunity to talk bad about her ex and his wife. It actually took Sheri’s husband to go on here to get her to quit talking. Seems as if he has to keep Sheri her under control. I can’t help but then believe that she probably did call and harass her ex husband while Todd was working and probably has been the culprit this whole time in why the kids don’t have a relationship with their father and step mother. My mom talking bad about my father was the reason I chose not to be around him. I don’t think sometimes parents have any idea what an impact it has on there children when they talk bad about the other parent.
I just hope the kids one day will give there father a chance. I am so happy I gave my dad a chance. I now have my mom and dad both in my life and would not have it any other way!!
March 9th, 2009 at 12:55 am
I was on day shift the first four years Sheri and I moved in together. I was the one many times to tell Sheri that I did not like the way the children came home with a lot of aggression after being with Ryan and Heidi. I stood up for the children when Ryan and Heidi was not holding the best interest of the children. The children are now almost twenty and eighteen. They will be respected in all decisions they make.
March 9th, 2009 at 5:40 pm
Sorry for intruding but this story has hit so close to home. I had to go on here and read it one more time and then I saw their ages I could not help myself but to say one last thing.
Heidi,
You must be one amazing step mom to still be fighting for those boys. You could just as well have thrown in the towel and say they are adults now so who cares. You could have thrown in the towel just because they are not your children. I was floored when I saw how old they are and apparently you still would give anything to have them in your life. There ages say a lot. I really hope the kids one day want to know you and their dad. Give it time they will come around. Just continue on being kind and caring!
March 10th, 2009 at 12:30 am
My biological father wrote me a 2page message stating it was his side of the story. It stated my mom had many affairs and that she mentally abused us. I can paste and copy the letter. I do remember the past and that is why my biological father will not be in my life. Todd is my dad and that will not change.
Kim,
You are intruding and I am not one of those kids. It appears you never got to know your father and that is why you have him in your life. I did and that is why mine is not.
March 14th, 2009 at 6:56 pm
After reading the above stuff it saddens me to see such termoil still taking place after so many years.
I am a mother who has stayed home with my kids and who has worked outside of the home with children. I personally feel that both is hard. It was really hard for me to work and make it to my childrens school functions. That is the one thing that I hated about working was the fact that I could not go help in the class and spend the quality time with my children like I was able to do when I stayed home. I still had to do the never ending laundry, dishes, bathrooms, dusting, appointments, phone calls, bill paying even while I was working. I kinda felt like Lisa was saying that if you work and have kids all the at home chores goes away. They don’t! They are just waiting for you when you get home from work. After reading all of the above stuff I really don’t think that was what anyone was trying to say anyway. I don’t think it came across at all that stay at home mom’s are lazy!! I think it was about how hard it is to be the provider and have the worry that if I lose my job I may not be able to take care of my family or pay support. I think it was about how both jobs are tough. I do think though that when you do have the oppurtunity to stay home that sometimes us women forget about how hard it is to be the provider. I know I forget about the pressures of working for someone until I went back to work. Its not like you can send your boss to time out or discipline them for being rude and disrespectful. I think the point here is that we all have a tendancy to not appreciate the person providing for us. I know I did when I stayed home…
March 18th, 2009 at 11:15 am
I also think that it’s just fair to make the biological father pay for his child and the child support laws should be even stricter. That way some boys might realize the consequences of their actions. They can’t just have fun and leave the pregnant girl.
On the other hand I also agree with Paul. I think many women trick men into having children, since they can’t really control it. I’m afraid there are enough stupid teenage girls out there who think that getting pregnant might be an easy way to “secure” their future life.
March 19th, 2009 at 12:31 pm
HAVE MEN HEARD OF CONDOMS?
March 26th, 2009 at 1:24 pm
It has become apparent that some people are from LA LA LAND!! Last time I checked it took two people to make a child. There are condoms and many types of birth control for women. Just in case some women have never been told, you don’t have to have sex with a man if they don’t wear a condom. You can also take responsibility yourself and use birth control that is specifically for women. It is scary to think that so many women feel it is the man’s responsibility to make sure the women does not get pregnant. Maybe BOTH men and women should take responsibility for themselves.
As a female this is scary to me; from what I read above quite a few women think it is the man’s job to not get them pregnant. I am embarrassed as a female that there are women that think this way! I think it is time for all women to take responsibility for their actions.
HAVE WOMEN HEARD OF CONDOMS?????!!!
March 30th, 2009 at 6:22 pm
Tired of fake people,
I know I would like to see the letter that was written to you. And what are your feelings about all of this?
Sheri,
I would like to know if you do have a problem with the kids reconciling with step mom and dad? And are you aware you can ask the courts for the father to pay support through college?
Heidi,
Why did you wait until they are of adult age?
March 31st, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Don’t try to make yourself look loving and caring. You can track the email on all comments
April 22nd, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Tired of fake people
Thanks for emailing me the info.
June 22nd, 2009 at 12:52 am
Sheri and single women,
Get a good lawyer and do your modification every two years!!
Go back to court and ask for support while your son is in college.
Children are our most and expensive investment.
Then let us all know how much love there really is?
September 6th, 2009 at 1:14 am
I knew Ryan & Sherry.
I was living with them when Damion was born, Danny was my buddy! I also worked with Ryan. I can’t believe Ryan & Sherry split up. I think Sherry was 16 and pregnant when they got married and Ryan like 20. They both were so nice, and in love. I spent alot of time with Ryan & Sherry. I don’t see this being about money. They never had money, none of us did. I do hope they will settle this. I have never forgot this family and all they have done for me.
Ryan,
If you need to talk. I’m in the phone book. I was there when Damion went to the hospital as a baby with pneumonia. You was there for him!
Sherry,
I’m here for you also. I have no idea what the disease Damion has. I do know you was always there!
Ryan & Sherry,
Whatever happened between you? Can you not look back and remember the good times. Not even for your kids? I would have never thought you two would do this!
Take it from a guy who never shares his childhood with anyone. I have no good memories of my dad or mom.
October 8th, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Things are the way they are because my sperm donor is a asshole
June 21st, 2011 at 4:43 pm
I CALL BULL CRAP ON HEIDI! YOU CAN NOT EVEN SIGN UP FOR SUPPORT ENFORCEMENT UNLESS THERE IS BACK CHILD SUPPORT OWING!! HMMM SHOULD KNOW WHAT YOUR TALKING ABOUT BEFORE YOU MAKE STATEMENTS