Donklephant » Kitchen Sink

Let’s Stop Apologizing for Music Torture at Gitmo

Darren Garnick — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 16:10:29 +0000

DOUBLE STANDARD? When John Cusack bombards his girlfriend's home with music, it's cute. When the CIA uses a boombox, it's torture.

So, a pretentious group of musicians is upset that their music is being used to torment America’s most dangerous enemies?

And now they want the U.S. government to release an official song list?

I can’t imagine that such a document actually exists. Are we supposed to believe that CIA and Pentagon interrogators around the world were issued official playlists by some audio-torture DJ?

It’s a safe bet that the music choices used to keep terrorists awake 24/7 were straight from a gazillion different iPods.

However, there WAS an official songlist when the U.S. Army flushed Panamanian dictator Manuel Noriega out of hiding in 1989. The psychological warfare guys surrounding the Vatican Embassy during “Operation Just Cause” called in their requests to Army Radio.

How retro.

Guns N' Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" made this dictator's skin crawl!

THE OFFICIAL 1989 MUSIC TORTURE SONG LIST FOR NORIEGA

Straight from U.S. Army records, here is a portion of the radio playlist used to annoy Manuel Noriega.

1. (You’ve Got) Another Thing Coming — Judas Priest
2. All I Want is You — U2
3. Big Shot — Billy Joel
4. Born to Run — Bruce Springsteen
5. Bring Down the Hammer — Georgia Satellites
6. Don’t Look Back — Boston
7. Don’t Fear the Reaper — Blue Oyster Cult
8. Eat My Shorts — Rick Dees
9. Feel a Whole Lot Better (When You’re Gone) — Tom Petty
10. Give It Up — KC and the Sunshine Band
11. Gonna Tear Your Playhouse Down — Paul Young
12. Guilty — Bonham
13. Hang ‘Em High — Van Halen
14. Hanging Tough — New Kids on the Block
15. I Fought The Law and the Law Won — Bobby Fuller
16. Judgment Day — Whitesnake
17. Never Gonna Give You Up — Rick Astley
18. No More Mister Nice Guy — Alice Cooper
19. Panama — Van Halen
20. Paranoid — Black Sabbath
21. Stay Hungry — Twisted Sister
22. The Party’s Over — Journey
23. The Star Spangled Banner — Jimi Hendrix
24. They’re Coming to Take Me Away — Henry VIII
25. Time is on My Side — Rolling Stones
26. Wanted Dead or Alive — Bon Jovi
27. We Didn’t Start the Fire — Billy Joel
28. We Gotta Get Out of This Place — The Animals
29. Who Will You Run To? — Heart

Who knew that Billy Joel and New Kids on the Block would ever serve their country so effectively?

Wanna see the full list of Noriega torture tunes? CLICK HERE.

Ancient Egyptian Carving Looks Like Obama

Justin Gardner — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 03:58:50 +0000

This is kind of weird.

I mean, the resemblance is pretty uncanny as a caricature. Looks as if a political cartoonist drew it.

And yes, I realize that I just opened myself up to a torrent of “messiah” comments, but I’m ready for it.

Solving The Mystery Of The Cat

Justin Gardner — Sun, 31 May 2009 21:08:21 +0000

Even though I don’t have one myself, I’m definitely a cat person. Sure dogs are fun, and there’s no doubt they dish out much more unconditional love than cats, but my reasoning has always been that if I wanted a child I’d go and have one myself. Because that’s basically what a dog is: a child. They need a ton of guidance or else they’ll misbehave, and let’s not overlook the fact that many breeds constantly need attention, reassurance and you have to let them outside to go to the bathroom. To be clear, I’m not dogging on dogs, I’m just explaining why I like cats better.

And I think that’s why I like cats most of all. Because while dogs need masters, cats are looking for roommates.

But that presents the question…why are cats even around? Because while dogs provide protection and were bred for very specific, utilitarian reasons, there seem to be few good reasons why cats were welcomed into our homes.

Scientific American attempts to answer that question and explores why we love them…and why they tolerate us:

Considering that small cats do little obvious harm, people probably did not mind their company. They might have even encouraged the cats to stick around when they saw them dispatching mice and snakes.

Cats may have held other appeal, too. Some experts speculate that wildcats just so happened to possess features that might have preadapted them to developing a relationship with people.

In particular, these cats have â€œcuteâ€ featuresâ€”large eyes, a snub face and a high, round forehead, among othersâ€”that are known to elicit nurturing from humans. In all likelihood, then, some people took kittens home simply because they found them adorable and tamed them, giving cats a first foothold at the human hearth.

So because cats have more human like features, they were accepted into our homes? Interesting theory.

Still, I think there was a much more utilitarian reason, and that is garbage and pest control…

Early settlements in the Fertile Crescent between 9,000 and 10,000 years ago, during the Neolithic period, created a completely new environment for any wild animals that were sufficiently flexible and inquisitive (or scared and hungry) to exploit it. The house mouse, Mus musculus domesticus, was one such creature. Archaeologists have found remains of this rodent, which originated in the Indian subcontinent, among the first human stores of wild grain from Israel, which date to around 10,000 years ago. The house mice could not compete well with the local wild mice outside, but by moving into peopleâ€™s homes and silos, they thrived.

It is almost certainly the case that these house mice attracted cats. But the trash heaps on the outskirts of town were probably just as great a draw, providing year-round pickings for those felines resourceful enough to seek them out. Both these food sources would have encouraged cats to adapt to living with people; in the lingo of evolutionary biology, natural selection favored those cats that were able to cohabitate with humans and thereby gain access to the trash and mice.
So, you a dog person or a cat person? And why?

(h/t: Daily Dish)

Joaquin Phoenix: The New Andy Kaufman?

Justin Gardner — Sat, 14 Feb 2009 21:12:03 +0000

Nothing to do with politics, but a lot of people are talking about the following clip as if it’s evidence that Joaquin Phoenix has lost it.

Listen, the guy is one of the best actors of his generation. You don’t think he’s playing a part here?

For further evidence that Phoenix is just having fun, take a look at his acceptance speech from the 2008 People’s Choice awards…

Pretty unconventional and certainly creative.

What’s more, all of his friends, like Casey Affleck and director James Gray, are supportive of this move. Do you really think they’d be cool with it if they thought he was nuts?

Here’s Phoenix “quitting” acting…

Note how overly seriously those guys were. I mean, come on…

Folks, I think it’s pretty obvious he’s taking us all for a ride, and it’s something we haven’t seen since Kaufman did it back in the day. It takes a lot of bravery and, yes, a little bit of madness, but certainly not the bad kind.

Long story short, enjoy this sort of thing. Because it doesn’t happen very often.

UPDATE:
By the way, THIS is crazy…

Gotta love the Glover.

If only Abraham Lincoln were alive to enjoy his 200th birthday…

Darren Garnick — Mon, 09 Feb 2009 04:03:51 +0000

Whichever one of the Ten Commandments tells us not to bow down to idols, that’s the one we’ve been breaking with all the Abraham Lincoln worship lately.

There’s no way he was even half as popular amongst Northerners back in the 1860s (I still bump into Civil War kooks down South who HATE Lincoln more than my wife hates the Dukes of Hazzard).

Amongst the dozens of new Lincoln tributes is a 2,024 page biography that weighs 9.3 pounds. The longest book I ever read was Stephen King’s The Stand, a good-vs.-evil plague morality tale that made me get nervous anytime I hung around someone with a terrible cough. That book weighed in at 1,141 pages — and that is my upper limit.

Any Abraham Lincoln comic books out there?

In honor of Lincoln’s birthday, I would like to shine the spotlight on one of his most devoted admirers — a banjo-playing, wood-chopping fringe presidential candidate who believes he’s channeling Honest Abe in the woods of New Hampshire.

Sadly, Carmen Chimento’s life doesn’t even merit a one-line cameo in that new 2,024 page biography.

Carmen also boasts the distinction of making the most bizarre comment I’ve ever heard about Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth.

What do you think?Â Would we be better off today if we had a Chimento White House?

(New Hampshire political junkie Darren Garnick can be reached at www.cultureschlock.com)

Wingsuit Base Jumping

Justin Gardner — Sat, 03 Jan 2009 19:43:26 +0000

It’s official.

Humans can fly.

I’m still catching my breath.

Want To Buy A Joke?

Justin Gardner — Fri, 02 Jan 2009 01:57:26 +0000

A writer from The Onion is selling one on eBay.

No, seriously…

My name is John Harris, and I am a staff writer at The Onion, America’s Finest News Source. I am selling a joke that I can’t find a contextual home for. To be fair, it’s less of a joke and more of a dated, Capote-esque cocktail party bon mot, but decidedly more feeble. The best one can reasonably expect from this item is a self-satisfied chuckle, such as can be observed issuing from someone wearing a turtleneck while reading the Harper’s Index. If that didn’t make you barf, please continue reading.

The item in question will be clearly hand-printed on a 3×5 index card and mailed to the winning bidder upon receipt of payment. It has never been used, and the buyer assumes all responsibility for any consequences that might stem from sharing this joke, including the dissolution of friendships and romantic relationships due to loss of respect. The bidding will start at $0.57 so I can at least recoup the cost of the stamp and the eBay listing charge.

The bidding is now at $51. A bit steep, but if you want to get a loved one a very unique b-day gift, this would be it.

Bidding is over on Jan 5th.

Hurry!

Ninja Mode For Google Reader?

Justin Gardner — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 18:00:00 +0000

Want your Google Reader to look like this?

Then follow Megan’s advice…

Press the “up” arrow twice
Press the “down” arrow twice
Press the “left” arrow once
Press the “right” arrow once
Press the “left” arrow once
Press the “right” arrow once
Press the “b” key
Press the “a” key

This, of course, is the famous Konami code for the Nintendo game Contra that gave you 30 lives at the start of the game instead of 3. That’s why you see 30 displayed everywhere on the left hand side in that screenshot.

By the way, if you want to turn off ninja mode, just do the same sequence and it returns to normal.

Behold The Brick Balancer

Justin Gardner — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 19:33:37 +0000

You’ll watch it, but you still won’t believe it.

Hey…I wonder if this guy could help Obama balance the budget!

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here forever…don’t forget to tip your bloggers.

Who Weeps for Detroit? No One.

Dennis Sanders — Tue, 18 Nov 2008 05:28:20 +0000

Let’s face it: people don’t like the American auto industry.

Scratch that: people hate the American auto industry.

There are a lot of reasons to hate it: unionized workers who make crazy money that is out of sync with reality, execs who seem to have a tin ear to what Americans really want, cars that aren’t made well, and a lack of fuel-efficient alternatives.

Americans have every reason to be upset at an industry that hasn’t performed well. Heck, I am upset at this industry, and my parents are GM-retirees who are proud union workers.

A few months ago, I even said that the Big Three should die. If they can’t make it on the free market, then they should die.

And then Lehman Brothers happened.

Remember them? Back in mid-September, the Feds decided not to bailout the investment bank. Many thought this was a good thing: after all, we are a capitalist society and if private businesses make bad decisions, then they should fail.

Well, we know what happened: the financial markets went wild and the Feds had to step in after all to keep the financial system from failing with the $700 billion bailout.

Now, I understand when people say that it sets a bad precedent that we should be bailing out companies like Ford and General Motors who basically got themselves into this mess.

As a Republican, I have a hard time lending GM a hand.

As an environmentalist, I consider it poetic justice that the domestic auto industry is on the ropes after producing vehicles that were gas-guzzlers and polluted the environment.

But as the son of two autoworkers, all I can think about is what could happen if we allow the Big Three to go hang. Jeffery Sachs notes that the closure of the automakers could be catastophic:

the sudden closure of an automaker would be catastrophic, possibly pushing our economy from recession to depression. Because of the impact on parts suppliers, the shutdown of one company would imperil domestic production across the board, and the jobs at risk include not only the 1 million in vehicle assembly and parts but millions more that would be caught in the resulting cascade of failures. The industrial Midwest — especially Michigan, Ohio, Indiana, Illinois and Tennessee — would be devastated, and the shock waves would reverberate across the world.

For a long time, I’ve tried to ignore that this was personal for me. But the fact is this IS personal for me. I grew up in Michigan during the 70s and 80s. I grew up during economic downturns and have seen the result. Yes, Michigan and other states should have diversified. Yes, the United Auto Workers were greedy. Yes, the Big Three made sure that CAFE standards were never raised. But I also know of my parents and several cousins and uncles who put in long hours to make cars and put bread on the table. My parents helped put their son through college and for that, I am thankful. There are many people like my Mom and Dad, who have put in long hours who are in danger of losing their livlihoods and who wonder how long will their jobs be around.

It’s easy to make remarks about how we shouldn’t help the Big Three and a lot of them make perfect sense. But I also think that many of those making these assumptions forget that there are real people who will be affected by whatever happens. We forget that states like Michigan and Indiana and Ohio will be pushed to the limit in trying to help these displaced workers. Social services would become strained. Local economies might crumble.

I’m not saying that we should give the automakers blank checks to keep making a mess of themselves. Fire the executives. Renegiotiate the union contracts. Tell them they have to accept higher CAFE standards if they want money.

But I think in the end, we can’t simply allow a portion of the nation to go to hell because we think it feels good. The price for that bit of schadenfreude is far too great.

Obama And Palin In A Video Game?

Justin Gardner — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 18:21:41 +0000

The game is Mercenaries 2, and it’s sure to be a hit with both Democrats and Republicans alike.

My only question: why didn’t they include McCain?

Bigfoot Press Conference Yields Few Facts, More Questions

Justin Gardner — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 22:10:55 +0000

Okay, so this is probably going to turn out to be a hoax.

Yes, the original picture of the dead animal in the freezer looked slightly convincing…

But after you take a look at this bigfoot costume…

You can see there are some obvious similarities.

In any event, here’s more about the news conference…

PALO ALTO, Calif. â€” Supposedly, Bigfoot lives in North Georgia, and several of his relatives are still there. At least thatâ€™s what a pair of Georgia outdoorsmen and a California â€œBigfoot expertâ€ continue to claim.

But if they have definitive evidence to prove it, it wasnâ€™t presented at a press conference here Friday where they had assured the world theyâ€™d make believers out of everyone.

A second round of DNA testing on the remains of a 7-foot-7, 500 pound man-ape they allege to have stumbled upon while hiking in North Georgia is still being completed, they said.

Of three samples in a preliminary DNA test, one came back inconclusive, one contained traces of human DNA and one had traces of opossum DNA â€” probably from something the creature ate, they said.

They didnâ€™t produce a body – thatâ€™s in a hidden location, they said. They wonâ€™t say where they found the creature and saw others. They wonâ€™t let anyone but their own hand-picked scientists examine the body, and none were present on Friday.

So…unless there’s some shocking new discoveries, this will most likely be the last bigfoot post you’ll see on here for a while. I know you’re all highly disappointed to hear that. ;-)

Bigfoot Found?

Justin Gardner — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 15:41:10 +0000

I’m taking the following with a grain of salt, but the guy who’s making the claims sounds fairly credible.

Here’s more…

Matthew Whitton and Rick Dyer, a pair of Bigfoot-hunting hobbyists from north Georgia, say they found the creature’s body in a wooded area and spotted several similar creatures that were still alive.

The carcass of the furry half-man, half-ape is 7 feet, 7 inches tall and weighs more than 500 pounds, they say. However, the two are not disclosing the exact location of their discovery to protect the remaining creatures.

Tom Nelson, chairman of the biology department at North Georgia College and State University in Dahlonega, said he’s “pretty skeptical” the world will feast its eyes on a new species Friday.

“That would certainly rock mammalogy,” joked Nelson, who specializes in the study of mammals. “I see a research grant in my future.”

More as it develops…

You Won’t Believe What Michael Phelps Eats Everyday

Justin Gardner — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 14:36:16 +0000

Personally, I’m not that shocked, because if you’re working out 5 hours a day, 6 days a week, you’re need the energy.

Still, this isn’t exactly the healthiest regiment…

4,000 calories per meal…

Breakfast: 3 fried-egg sandwiches w/ cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, fried onions and mayonnaise.

Brunch: 3 slices of french toast w/ powered sugar, a 5 egg omelet, 3 chocolate chip pancakes, a heaping bowl of grits, and 2 cups of coffee to wash it all down.

Lunch: 1 pound of pasta, 2 large ham and cheese sandwiches slathered (with mayo…of course!) and 1,000 calories of energy drinks to choke it down.

Dinner: Another pound of pasta and a whole pizza!

And of course he needs another 1,000 calories in energy drinks to hit the grand total of…drum roll please…12,000 CALORIES!!!

I mean, that’s impressive, no matter how you look at it. Just the cost alone of all that food is intimidating.

And yet, he’s gone gold 5 for 5 so far and has won more Olympic medals than any other American in history.

Keep eating Michael!

BEST COMMENT EVER:
From Jimmy the Dhimmi:

Never mind the calories, whats fascinating to me is how he can perform so well with all that poop inside him. I wonder if he times his meals so he can schedule a massive dump before he swims – hitting the pool before he hits the pool, so to speak.

Something tells me that Phelps has his pooping schedule timed down to a hundredth of a second. He’s THAT good! :-)

Eat! Eat! Eat! & Always Stay Thin! With Tape Worms!

Justin Gardner — Sun, 20 Jul 2008 18:54:04 +0000

My friends, this is why there’s no such thing as a true free market. :-)

Discuss…

(Update: I mistakenly put the image in the wrong tag so it didn’t show up…so I’m sure this post made absolutely NO sense. My apologies. Fixed.)

Kansas Citian David Cook Wins American Idol

Justin Gardner — Thu, 22 May 2008 03:15:27 +0000

I don’t watch really like the show so I never care who wins, but this is a hometown boy we’re talking about here so some props are in order for the guy who won the second most popular election in 2008.

Seriously, check out these numbers…

A record 97 million votes were cast overall, 23 million more than American Idol’s previous high. In the end, Cook won by a relatively wide margin, 56% to 44%, or 12 million votes.

In contrast, 122,267,553 votes were cast in the 2004 presidential contest. So to call this the second most popular election in 2008 is probably an accurate prediction.

And to think it almost didn’t happen…

Ironically, Cook never intended to audition for Idol. He accompanied his younger brother Andrew to an audition in Omaha, Neb. and was talked into applying himself. He performed Bon Jovi’s “Livin’ on a Prayer”, and was vaulted through to the next round. At the Hollywood auditions, Cook performed Bryan Adams’ “(Everything I Do) I Do It For You” and Edwin McCain’s “I’ll Be.”

He caught the judges’ attention and became a serious contender after he performed Chris Cornell’s arrangement of the Michael Jackson standard Billie Jean, in a performance program in March. Cook then went on to perform songs by The Who (“Baba O’Riley”), Switchfoot (“Dare You To Move”) and Emily Shackleton (“What I’m Looking For”).

Cook is not entirely new to the music scene. He formed a garage band, Axium, in 1999, and was its [singer] for six years. One of the band’s songs was picked up by the AMC Theatres movie chain in the U.S. and played on more than 20,000 screens during trailer previews.

Again, congrats David!

Tough Guy Auditions

Justin Gardner — Sun, 11 May 2008 23:49:21 +0000

I don’t think any of them got the part…

So what do you think about that Dramatic Chipmunk?

And scene…

Video: Man Gets Stuck In Elevator For 41 Hours

Justin Gardner — Mon, 21 Apr 2008 18:53:21 +0000

Watch this time lapsed video. It’s hypnotic.

The Best Beards And Moustaches In The World!

Justin Gardner — Tue, 04 Sep 2007 01:08:51 +0000

Ironic…the following video is kind of short…but its subject is very long.

Courtesy of TheNewsRoom.

Video: Iran Builds Largest Rug

Justin Gardner — Tue, 31 Jul 2007 15:24:18 +0000

Uh oh…

With rug making technology so advanced, they could give their secrets to al Qaeda and they could cover the entire US!

I think I’m starting to warm to the idea of an invasion…