If only Abraham Lincoln were alive to enjoy his 200th birthday…

By Darren Garnick | Related entries in Barack, Crazy, Culture, History, Independents, Kitchen Sink, New Hampshire, Satire

Whichever one of the Ten Commandments tells us not to bow down to idols, that’s the one we’ve been breaking with all the Abraham Lincoln worship lately.

There’s no way he was even half as popular amongst Northerners back in the 1860s (I still bump into Civil War kooks down South who HATE Lincoln more than my wife hates the Dukes of Hazzard).

Amongst the dozens of new Lincoln tributes is a 2,024 page biography that weighs 9.3 pounds. The longest book I ever read was Stephen King’s The Stand, a good-vs.-evil plague morality tale that made me get nervous anytime I hung around someone with a terrible cough. That book weighed in at 1,141 pages — and that is my upper limit.

Any Abraham Lincoln comic books out there?

In honor of Lincoln’s birthday, I would like to shine the spotlight on one of his most devoted admirers — a banjo-playing, wood-chopping fringe presidential candidate who believes he’s channeling Honest Abe in the woods of New Hampshire.

Sadly, Carmen Chimento’s life doesn’t even merit a one-line cameo in that new 2,024 page biography.

Carmen also boasts the distinction of making the most bizarre comment I’ve ever heard about Lincoln assassin John Wilkes Booth.

What do you think?  Would we be better off today if we had a Chimento White House?

(New Hampshire political junkie Darren Garnick can be reached at www.cultureschlock.com)


This entry was posted on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 and is filed under Barack, Crazy, Culture, History, Independents, Kitchen Sink, New Hampshire, Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “If only Abraham Lincoln were alive to enjoy his 200th birthday…”

  1. Karen Says:

    Yes, of course we’d be better off with Chimento in the White House! Well, I’m his daughter, so perhaps I’m a little biased……

  2. Jack Vax Says:

    Chip:
    I enjoyed your spoof on Lincoln. Living “full time” in the deep south, I have encountered those Lincoln haters. As you said, he did fight for a cause that he believed in.
    Esther and I visited the new Lincoln Museum in Springfield Il. One of the exhibits audibly portrays the “Screaming” headlines during his presidency. It sounded like the entire press corp wanted his blood.(Much like our recent past president)
    After watching your video, I feel that I know you a little better. I recently published my first U Tube video. While visiting my daughter Nancy’s home last Christmas, I did a video of her prized collections. You may (or may not) find it interesting.
    After you go to U Tube, under “search” type in johnjvax and you can watch the 6 minute video with my voice in the background.
    I loved the winter snow scenes. I can’t say that I miss all that plowing, shoveling and freezing times.
    With love to you and your family
    Jack Vax

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