The Final Frontier

By Jacob | Related entries in Bipartisan, Environment, General Politics, McCain, WTF?

It’s come to the attention of this reporter that the Rapture is, in fact, going to occur.

Documents leaked earlier today describe how a bi-partisan team of Senators, dubbed the Gang of 14, working closely with President Obama have developed and set into motion a plan to save Humankind – FROM GOD!

It seems a heretofore unreleased portion of the Apocryphal manuscripts of the Dead Sea Scrolls, brought to the President’s attention by a Muslim scholar studying in Jerusalem, clearly and believably lay out God’s rapture plans. In all likelihood the Rapture will occur on May 21.

The plan developed involves the US Space Shuttle Endeavor and it is very clever. The budget crisis? TARP? The deficit? Nothing is what it seems. All the money spent by the US government in the past two years has been on outfitting Endeavor for it’s last and most important mission.

Endeavor is currently docked at the International Space Station, packed like Noah’s Ark with plants, animals and people – ready in a moments notice to speed away toward Gliese 581g. Upon their arrival on this Earth-like planet they will begin “seeding” it with Life, effectively saving Humankind.

The shuttle has been modified with upgrades such as an FTL drive to get us there fast and advanced weaponry in the event that Gliese 581g is already blessed with Life. All the partisan bickering and childish behavior from inside the beltway lately has been a distraction to keep the electorate busy while our government saves life as we know it.

Russ Feingold, who continues to lead the Gang of 14 despite being ousted from the Senate last year, said yesterday “If God wants a fight we’ll give him a fight.” John McCain, standing behind him looking grim but resolved, nodded his head in agreement. “As a conservative I don’t like this,” he said, “but as an American I have a duty to my country to ensure that God doesn’t destroy the way of life of everyone left behind.”

This reporter says “God speed Endeavor!” and also “Thank you Mr. President and the Gang of 14. I’ll be thinking of your bravery and cunning as I and my family are swallowed up by the hot lava of God.”


This entry was posted on Thursday, May 19th, 2011 and is filed under Bipartisan, Environment, General Politics, McCain, WTF?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

12 Responses to “The Final Frontier”

  1. Gerryf Says:

    Dr. Peter Venkman: Jacob has gone bye-bye, Egon… what’ve you got left?
    Dr. Egon Spengler: Sorry, Venkman, I’m terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought.

  2. Mike A. Says:

    I remember working as a fresh graduate engineer in IBM during the design and manufacturing of the space shuttles. It was truly inspiring and, even with the issues surrounding the vehicle, continued to inspire me and many others. Yes it was expensive, and toward the end of it’s career, ineffective. But how many young people did it inspire to be scientists and engineers? Now we look to ipads and iphones to inspire our youth. Considering consumer electronics has prospered largely because of our investments in these far-reaching programs, and that electronics will at some point require significant technological breakthroughs to continue at it’s current rate of innovation, the question to ask is…what’s next?

  3. Mike A. Says:

    (understand my post doesn’t address the point of Jacob…but I get a little misty-eyed when I think about the cancellation of the SS)

  4. Jacob Says:

    Mike A: Clearly I have no point. I was just blowing off steam. I think you make an excellent point, though – I fully support the space program, hopefully we’ll be able to inspire more folks in the future. Well, at least the Chinese might …

  5. Mike A. Says:

    Jacob,

    Your story would make a great SNL TV Funhouse episode.

    Considering how poorly our elected leaders have managed our country to this point, I’m a little pessimistic about their success. Therefore all of my project plans terminate on 5/22. I may still be here, but all of the blessed will be gone, leaving my projects severely resource limited.

    Let the partying begin in 5….4…..3…

  6. Mike A. Says:

    Jacob,

    Your story would make a great SNL TV Funhouse episode.

    Considering how poorly our elected leaders have managed our country to this point, I’m a little pessimistic about their success. Therefore all of my project plans terminate on 5/22. I may still be here, but all of the blessed will be gone, leaving my projects severely under resourced.

    Let the partying begin in 5….4…..3…

  7. terry Says:

    Lol…SNL Funhouse…lol! Year 2000 all over again.

  8. kranky kritter Says:

    I’d laugh way more about stuff like the rapture but for the fact that members of doomsday cults become MORE committed when predictions end up incorrect. Makes me worry about whether what I think of as whackjobbery is hardwired in. Is there a way to make money betting against such stuff? If only.

    The last space shuttle is the end of an era, for sure. And we can admire the achievements made and still regard the whole story as part teaching tale. There was a time when we’d pour lots of resources into ideas that “just had to be right,” like the added efficiency and economy of a reusable spacecraft. Did the economy and efficiency materialize?Nope, disposable would have brought more missions at less cost from what I’ve heard.

    So we head into a new era that brings a few changes which are probably beneficial. One we look askance at big showy expensive ideas. Hearty skepticism and pragmatism are up a few points. Suits me. And maybe we’re at the beginning of an era where space exploration will move further away from being the exclusive province of government.

    That’s sure to bring lots of messy upsides and downsides. But if it brings me a seat on a drive-by of the moon (or even better, a visit to the lunar driving range for an extra large bucket), then I’m for it.

  9. kranky kritter Says:

    I’d laugh way more about stuff like the rapture but for the fact that members of doomsday cults become MORE committed when predictions end up incorrect. Makes me worry about whether what I think of as whackjobbery is hardwired in. Is there a way to make money betting against such stuff? If only.

    The last space shuttle is the end of an era, that’s for sure. And we can admire the achievements made and still regard the whole story as part teaching tale. There was a time when we’d pour lots of resources into ideas that “just had to be right,” like the added efficiency and economy of a reusable spacecraft. Did the economy and efficiency materialize?Nope, disposable would have brought more missions at less cost from what I’ve heard.

    So we head into a new era that brings a few changes which are probably beneficial. One we look askance at big showy expensive ideas. Hearty skepticism and pragmatism are up a few points. Suits me. And maybe we’re at the beginning of an era where space exploration will move further away from being the exclusive province of government.

    That’s sure to bring lots of messy upsides and downsides. But if it brings me a seat on a drive-by of the moon (or even better, a visit to the lunar driving range for an extra large bucket), then I’m for it.

  10. Mike A. Says:

    ” One we look askance at big showy expensive ideas. Hearty skepticism and pragmatism are up a few points.”

    Healthy skepticism is healthy economics, but if it wasn’t for big showy ideas the drive-by of the moon would not be as close as it is now. Many of our modern evolutionary breakthroughs can be trace to big showy revolutionary breakthroughs.

    Low earth orbit space exploration will move into the private sector, and hopefully it’s about time. Deep space exploration will continue to be on the backs of governments.

    “Did the economy and efficiency materialize?Nope, disposable would have brought more missions at less cost from what I’ve heard.”

    That’s called hindsight. It’s easy to find flaws in a plan hatched 30-some years ago. And once you have hindsight and experience, you have the benefits of learning…which is what private industries are taking advantage of with their low-orbit vehicles.

    The space shuttle will go down in history as a widely successful US show of technological strength and power. So my question, what’s next? A bigger screen on an ipad? 5G cellular data rates? LED lighting? Na…all evolutionary. Do we as a nation have a vision for where to go? Or the fortitude? As Jacob prophesied…. “Well at least the Chinese might..”

  11. kranky kritter Says:

    That’s called hindsight. It’s easy to find flaws in a plan hatched 30-some years ago. And once you have hindsight and experience, you have the benefits of learning…which is what private industries are taking advantage of with their low-orbit vehicles.

    Some people call it experience, and learning. Sometimes its also easy to identify flaws ahead of time, often by relying on experience and learning. We call this foresight. Surely 30+ years ago some folks predicted that the economy and efficiency would not materialize.

    I’m not anti-dream. I’m not anti-big-ideas. No experiment is a failure if useful data is collected. Time will tell all the different things that the space shuttle goes down in history as. It was cool. The fact that we’re not working on a next-generation continuation of these re-usable crafts suggests there’s plenty of way to go.

    I share your lack of giddy enthusiasm for prosaic applications that lead to marginal improvements in venal things. What we really need right now, way more than vacation rides to Mars is a revolutionary development in renewable energy sources.

  12. Mike A. Says:

    “What we really need right now, way more than vacation rides to Mars is a revolutionary development in renewable energy sources.”

    Right as rain

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