Wow, O’Reilly Was Right

By Justin Gardner | Related entries in Comedy, Kitchen Sink

He said that liberals and atheists and kittens were declaring a war on Christmas and now we have this news:

WASHINGTON, DC�In a sudden and unexpected blow to the Americans working to protect the holiday, liberal U.S. 9th Circuit Court of Appeals Judge Stephen Reinhardt ruled the private celebration of Christmas unconstitutional Monday.

“In accordance with my activist agenda to secularize the nation, this court finds Christmas to be unlawful,” Judge Reinhardt said. “The celebration of the birth of the philosopher Jesusâ€â€?be it in the form of gift-giving, the singing of carols, fanciful decorations, or general good cheer and warm feelings amongst familiesâ€â€?is in violation of the First Amendment principles upon which this great nation was founded.”

In addition to forbidding the celebration of Christmas in any form, Judge Reinhardt has made it illegal to say “Merry Christmas.” Instead, he has ruled that Americans must say “Happy Holidays” or “Vacaciones Felices” if they wish to extend good tidings.

Within an hour of the judge’s verdict, National Guard troops were mobilized to enforce the controversial ruling.

Again, wow. He was right. I guess I should have figured that Bill O’Reilly was right. I mean, because he’s pretty much always right and accurate and fair and balaned.

This is certainly disheartening. I really wanted to get that Xbox 360 this year. Oh well…

Read more here.

This entry was posted on Thursday, December 15th, 2005 and is filed under Comedy, Kitchen Sink. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

2 Responses to “Wow, O’Reilly Was Right”

  1. Meredith Says:

    I thought your girlfriend got you an XBox 360 for your birthday!

  2. sleipner Says:

    This was a totally brilliant piece! The Onion pulls it off yet again.

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